Inappropriate behaviour
Inappropriate behaviour is harmful because it erodes the fundamental values of respect and safety. It can lead to serious psychological and physical harm for victims, including anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress. What’s more, it damages trust within relationships and communities, creating an environment where intimidation and abuse are tolerated. It’s a serious issue that undermines the integrity of people and society as a whole.
And, to be honest
It’s become impossible to ignore: the term ‘inappropriate behaviour’ is everywhere. It feels like the concept has just appeared out of thin air, with how often you hear it on TV and read it in the newspaper. And, to be honest, it’s about time. Dutch artists, TV producers, people you’d never expect it from—they’re falling from grace left and right. From verbal abuse, words that cut like knives, to behaviour that crosses every line imaginable. And that’s not even touching on the sexual side of things, that murky area where so many have gotten burned.
MeToo
The current MeToo movement has really broken the dam. What had been festering beneath the surface for years has now burst out with a huge bang. People are finally daring to speak out about what’s been done to them and pointing the finger at the unequal power dynamics that pop up everywhere. Think of the boss versus the employee, the teacher versus the student. Even within the supposedly safe walls of a family, where you’re meant to feel secure, things can go completely wrong.
The temptation
The church isn’t safe from this either. That huge gap between leaders and church members can sometimes get so wide that anything can fall into it. Especially during pastoral care, when a pastor or elder is alone with someone, the situation can take a dangerous turn. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it up close: evangelists and preachers who completely went off the rails, losing their calling because they thought the rules didn’t apply to them or they just couldn’t resist the temptation.
The danger zone
Back when I was a team leader at a secondary school, I dealt with fifteen- and sixteen-year-old girls every day. Some already looked like grown women—yeah, nature doesn’t care about age limits. I regularly found myself in situations where I’d be alone with a student like that, but I stuck to my principles. I’d always leave the door open, or just bring a colleague in. It was that simple. I’ll never forget that one time in the lift. A girl asked, “Sir, can I ride up with you?” I replied, “You take the lift, I’ll take the stairs.” That’s how I kept myself out of the danger zone.
Because believe me, nothing even has to happen. A wrong look, a comment that’s taken the wrong way, and before you know it, there’s a stain on your reputation. I knew a colleague who was always under scrutiny from the girls: “He always looks at us like that.” Your reputation can be ruined in a second, and it’s incredibly hard to get it back.
The Shepherd’s Staff
I recently read something by Ralph Mahoney, a man who’s been around the block a few times. He’s written a handbook of over a thousand pages for church leaders worldwide, especially in countries where faith is under heavy pressure. It’s called “The Shepherd’s Staff”—a Bible school in a book. Mahoney speaks plainly about sexual temptations. Some Christians think their faith gives them a kind of shield against these things. He calls that “folly,” and he’s absolutely right.
While the Bible does say we should resist the devil, when it comes to sexual immorality, the advice is completely different: flee. Run for your life. We have power over evil spirits, that’s true, but with sexual temptation, we need to get a move on. Take Joseph. When Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce him, he did exactly that: he fled. He even left his robe behind. That’s the attitude God wants from us.
Fleeing doesn’t just mean running away when someone openly tries to tempt you. It also means protecting yourself from situations where temptation might rear its ugly head. For people in a Christian ministry, this mainly applies to those moments when you’re counselling someone of the opposite sex.
Mahoney writes about this: “I know an evangelist who is never alone with a woman. Wherever he goes, his wife or a male team member goes with him. Smart preachers don’t put themselves in situations where Satan can easily get access to them.”
The wise path
When you’re counselling someone of the opposite sex, always make sure someone else is around. Leave the door open. Simply make it impossible for sin to happen, and then it won’t. Paul put it this way: “…and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires.” In other words: don’t do anything or go anywhere where your carnal nature can take over. This cautious path might not be the easiest, but it’s definitely the wisest. Because anyone who knows their own heart knows that it’s “deceitful above all things.”
The Bible says in 1 Peter 5:8 (ESV): “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” This seems like excellent advice to me: never put yourself in a position where the enemy can get the drop on you.
@wimvanputten