The art of letting go
Letting go is finding the courage to accept what you cannot change.
The process
Last weekend, I spoke with someone about the art of letting go. Things in life don’t always turn out the way you imagined; life simply isn’t always something you can control. When you’re young, you’re less aware of this, and that’s a good thing. You shouldn’t build up limitations or barriers that prevent you from growing and developing. But as you get older, things sometimes take a different turn. The dream job you had in mind turns out not to be achievable. Sometimes your efforts don’t yield the desired result. When we had children, we took it for granted that they would follow us in our faith, but as they grew older, they made different choices. You can’t correct that; you no longer have any influence over it. What used to be self-evident no longer holds true today. Every person has the right to their own development. As our children grew older, all of this set in motion a process of letting go.
In relationships
Letting go is a complex and profound process. Suddenly, a teenager no longer wants to visit their grandmother; they’d rather be with their friends. Your daughter comes home with a boyfriend you have your questions about. Fortunately, this doesn’t apply to us, but they are just examples.
Letting go means consciously giving up the need to control your child, a situation, or an outcome. Instead of clinging to what was or what you thought was best, you have to trust in a good outcome. A strict parental decision in these situations rarely provides a good solution and often causes enormous tension in the relationship. A young person also has the right to become independent and learn from their own mistakes. Mothers, especially, can lie awake when their teenage daughter goes to a party, tossing and turning in bed because they hear such crazy stories. All you can do is let go and trust. And sometimes a good conversation helps!
But in a marriage or relationship, letting go also means not trying to change or control your partner. It is about accepting the other person as they are, with all their flaws and qualities. In the best relationships, you give the other person the space to go their own way. I know a family where the husband still smokes. As a wife, you can object and bring it up every time, but it’s completely pointless. The irritation that arises only creates distance. Maybe at the start of your marriage, you had the romantic notion that you would do everything together for the rest of your life, until your partner gets the idea to go away for a weekend with his old school friends. Do you make things difficult, or do you grant him the freedom to have this adventure? Learning to let go means letting the other person make their own choices.
Letting go in work and health
I’ve been retired for a number of years now. We enjoy it; it gives us the opportunity to travel, and we’re no longer tied to school holidays. I worked with great pleasure my whole life in child protection and later in secondary education. Retirement wasn’t something I was ‘gasping across the finish line’ for. Not at all, in fact. But now that it’s here, that freedom is quite nice.
For many people, work is a huge part of their identity. Their prestige is heavily determined by their position and title. In such a case, retirement is a period they dread. They would have liked to continue for a while longer. In such a situation, retirement is about letting go of your work identity, the daily routine, and the social contacts that come with it. It is about accepting a new phase of life and finding new goals and meaning outside of work.
Even with illness, especially a chronic or life-threatening condition, letting go is an important lesson. Nothing happens automatically anymore. I myself have been seriously ill twice in recent years. Suddenly, my energy was gone. The chemo did its healing work, but it came at the cost of my energy. A long walk was no longer possible. What you considered normal around the house was no longer a given. I was happy if I could sit or lie down. So unfamiliar, so uncomfortable. But I learned to accept it and not fight against it. Letting go and trusting. Trusting that everything would be as it used to be. And I have not been disappointed in that trust. During that time, I did have to learn to accept the limitations of the illness, which was so against my nature.
I also realize I’m lucky, or better put: blessed. I also know that this is not the case for everyone. Life is fragile and vulnerable, especially as we get older. Perhaps the most difficult process of letting go is the loss of a loved one. It means accepting that it is irreversible. Everyone who experiences this deals with their grief in their own way. Everyone has their own way of processing and letting go. It’s not about forgetting the person, but about letting go of the changes in the house. The empty bed, the empty chair in the living room, having to eat alone. The silence, no longer being able to discuss: ‘What shall we have for dinner tonight?’ Simply the great emptiness. The grieving process is a great process of letting go in order to accept the loss.
The role of faith
Does faith play a role in this too? Absolutely, for me it is everything. I already wrote above about trust. Trust because you know that life is not something you can control. It is fragile and dependent on God’s goodness. And I have experienced that goodness so clearly in my life. Whether it was about letting go of my children as they grew older, or during the period of my illness. In all of this, I have experienced the comforting presence of God. One of my favorite Bible verses is found in Romans 14:8: “If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” But also the words of the apostle Peter, which he writes in his first letter: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). He also paid a great price with his martyrdom for his faith in the Lord. He also learned to let go, of his earthly certainties, including his own life, in order to remain faithful to his faith.
I too have learned to let go and live from the aforementioned Bible verses. I have experienced deep comfort in them.
@wimvanputten