Motherless Child
‘I’m not important. I will always be alone.’
No Sense of Security
I used to be a big fan of Eric Clapton. It wasn’t just his blues music that drew me in, but also the lyrics that so aptly described the raw realities of everyday life. He’s been through his share of hardship as well, including the tragic loss of his four-year-old son, Conor. One of the songs that has stayed with me ever since is ‘Motherless Child’.
The roots of this song run deep in American blues history. The opening line, “I’m a motherless child, and I don’t know right from wrong,” is the core of the song. It serves as a kind of excuse for irresponsible behavior: the singer simply claims to not know any better because he never had a mother to teach him life’s norms. That sense of emotional security is an absolute necessity for every person to develop into a stable, mature individual.
During the time of slavery in America, mothers often played a more vital role in the family’s survival than fathers did. The absence of a mother, therefore, had devastating consequences for children; they literally lost their moral compass and no longer knew what was right or wrong. The absence of a parent still has major consequences today. Fathers and mothers are both indispensable and irreplaceable.
Indestructible Love
The Bible contains a deeply moving and ancient text: “Can a woman forget her nursing child, or fail to feel compassion for the child of her womb?” This passage describes the unbreakable bond between a mother and her child. In this text from Isaiah, the prophet uses this strong, natural love as an example of God’s infinite love. To clarify, he continues: “Even if they might forget, I will never forget you.”
Fathers and mothers together form the foundation for a child’s upbringing. But what if the father, the other half of that foundation, is no longer present? That is the harsh reality for tens of thousands of families in the Netherlands. In a divorce, children, especially when they’re young, usually stay with their mother, without the presence of their father.
While the Bible reassures us about a mother’s love, the facts about fathers today, unfortunately, tell a different story. Although I don’t have exact figures for fathers who permanently close the door on their children, the divorce statistics alone paint a clear picture. With over 12,500 divorces in 2023 involving minor children, contact with the father often changes drastically, almost always becoming less frequent or stopping altogether. It’s no coincidence that nearly 16% of all Dutch children grow up in a single-parent family, usually with their mother. These are painful statistics, often with heartbreaking consequences.
The absence of a father creates a void that grows with the child. The effects are often noticeable in their school life. Toddlers and preschoolers frequently experience separation anxiety and behavioral problems. Elementary school children, in turn, struggle with loyalty conflicts. The question constantly haunts their minds: ‘Is it my fault he left?’ This can deeply damage their self-image. During puberty, as they try to find their own identity, the missing paternal role model can lead to identity issues and a fundamental distrust in relationships. It’s as if the child or adolescent lacks the essential groundwork to build a healthy future.
The ‘father wound’
This unmet need for a father figure leaves behind a deep scar: the so-called ‘father wound’. This psychological concept represents the emotional damage caused by the lack of a loving and secure father. This wound manifests as insecurity, difficulty forming close relationships, and a lack of decisiveness. When a father is just a vague memory, it cultivates a negative self-image that profoundly influences the child’s life. It is a negative force that continues to affect a person’s choices and relationships, often without them even realizing it. It’s a cycle of pain that needs to be broken. This must be recognized in the church, where prayer and spiritual deliverance can play an important and liberating role. This is why a good pastoral team is so important in a community.
In my own family, I have seen with my own eyes how our adult children, both in their younger years and now as they have their own families, need a father and a mother. Both are necessary. We each have an irreplaceable role in parenthood. Neither of us can be absent. This also made me reflect on God. Although we address Him as our Father, He also fulfills a mother’s role. We find this in the Word of God as well.
Just as a mother comforts and nourishes her child, God is described as a comforter. “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” (Isaiah 66:13). This image shows God’s gentle, caring, and intimate love.
A child also desperately needs the presence of their mother to develop a healthy identity. Both fathers and mothers are essential. When one of them is no longer present and doesn’t fulfill their role, it will cause deep pain that can be felt even into old age.
The Words of John Lennon
John Lennon, the famous Beatles singer, put this into words in his heart-wrenching song, ‘Mother’:
Mother, you had me, but I never had you. I, I wanted you, you didn’t want me. So I, I just got to tell you. Goodbye, goodbye.
Father, you left me, but I never left you. I needed you, you didn’t need me. So I, I just got to tell you. Goodbye, goodbye.
And he ends the song with the words:
Mama, don’t go. Daddy, come home. Mama, don’t go. Daddy, come home.
Wherever possible, let us be there for our children. Whether they are young or grown up, they need you.
@wimvanputten