An engaging exploration of life and death
That’s not the only dance we’re dancing.
Out of time
Scrolling through Facebook, I suddenly saw an advertisement for an event about a brand-new book, Out of Time: Thinking about Death and Life by Reverend Pieter Both. I didn’t hesitate for a second. I had heard Pieter Both speak before at his church, ‘De Regenboog’ in Harderwijk, and I was always impressed with the way he delivered his message. The evening turned out to be exactly what I expected: a fascinating and, above all, personal story.
A personal quest for the mystery
Twelve years ago, Pieter Both wrote Saying Goodbye, a small book about grief and bereavement. It grew out of a painful sense of loss: after the sudden passing of his first wife, Rolinda, in 2006—she was just 31 years old—he noticed there were very few male voices in the literature on grief. “It’s more of a woman’s thing to write about those subjects at all,” he explained.
But while bookstores are overflowing with books on grief, there are surprisingly few that focus on death itself. Pieter Both reflects, “Maybe that’s because we’re a bit hesitant to even think about it.”
The theme of death has actually fascinated him his entire life. Twenty-six years ago, after his theology studies, he started working as a teacher of religion and philosophy. What he noticed even then was that students always came to him with questions about death.
“One of the most striking things I remember is that after two or three years, I started to wonder, why is it that students always come to me with something about death?” he said. “The student would sometimes be standing by my desk when everyone else had already left, and they would come to me with stories about death.”
The stories were about deceased grandparents, suicidal thoughts, or family members who had died. “They always came to me with those kinds of stories,” he said. “Somehow, it was already a theme for me back then. I sometimes say it just hangs around me. Apparently.”
Funerals: ‘The most beautiful thing there is’
After the loss of his first wife, Pieter became a reverend. Now, he finds conducting funerals “the most beautiful thing there is.” He’s quick to elaborate on this remarkable statement: “I find a funeral more beautiful—more profound and beautiful—than a wedding. I think it’s because it’s truly about something that matters. It’s really meaningful. And I also just find it mysterious.”
As a reverend, he regularly attends deathbeds, which he considers a special experience. “There lies a person. Often, of course, in their final hours. And they’re lying there, still moving. And then a day later, there’s still a body. And what happened in that time in between?”
He shared a powerful experience where he blessed a dying man. The family told him the man had been unconscious for two days. Yet, something unexpected happened during the blessing.
“His eyes opened and his hand reached up and he grabbed hold of me. Fortunately, his wife was standing next to me, so I placed his hand in hers and finished the prayer.” Before Pieter even got home, he received the call that the man had passed away.
Three ways of looking at death
Pieter Both’s new book originated as a search into the mystery of death, partly motivated by his own fear. “I am afraid of death, perhaps simply because there is so much I don’t know,” he admitted honestly.
In his book, he identifies three ways our culture deals with death: as a friend, as an enemy, and as a taboo.
Death as a friend
“Lately in our culture, you see death emerging as a friend,” Pieter Both stated. “And that’s due to Buddhist ideas that have a much greater influence on our culture than people often realize.” He pointed to magazines like Happinez—which he noted is the third most widely read magazine in the Netherlands—where you can often read that there’s no need to be afraid of death.
The problem Both has with this view is that it often sees the soul as more important than the body. “The body, that physical form, is then seen a bit like the prison the soul is trapped in.” From a biblical perspective, he sees this differently: “God made us for life with both our soul and our body. And for God, both are equally important.”
Death as an enemy
Pieter Both aligns himself with the Apostle Paul, who regarded death as an enemy. “We were made for life. And that means that God finds our life so valuable that if death cuts it short, then death is also an enemy.”
He cited the Reformed theologian Okke Jager, who wrote that we must defeat death because God made us for life. He said, “Okke Jager, a Reformed theologian from Kampen, helped me immensely in this area. Perhaps you even have his famous book, How Precious Is a Fragile Human, lying around somewhere.”
He wrote two books that really made me think. The first, Prefer to Live Longer, is about the miracle of modern medicine. He argued that it’s fantastic that we can live much longer nowadays and that the first person to reach 130 has probably already been born. A nice thought, isn’t it? This aligns perfectly with the idea that God made us for life.
His other book, Death in Its True Form, has a completely different approach. In it, he described death as a true enemy that we must defeat, because God never intended for death.
Still, Pieter Both warned against the danger of only seeing death as an enemy, especially in certain evangelical-charismatic circles. “Where I sometimes see that go off the rails is when people have received a word from God that someone who is seriously ill will be healed. When that doesn’t happen, a proper farewell is often not said, and surviving family members sometimes lose their faith or are left with a lot of questions.”
Death as a taboo
“You recognize that yourself, don’t you? It’s just because you don’t feel like having conversations about death,” Pieter Both acknowledged. As a reverend, he regularly sees this with older church members. He spoke about a lively eighty-year-old woman who was still full of life until one day she said, “Three weeks ago, I thought to myself: I’m getting old.” She passed away six months later.
Biblical perspectives and hope
An interesting discovery Pieter Both made while writing his book is that the Old Testament says “almost nothing about a life after this life.” “In the Old Testament, most people believed that death is death.” Just think of the Psalms, where it says, “In the grave I cannot praise you.”
The New Testament, on the other hand, has as its core that Jesus rose from the dead. For Pieter Both, this enriched the writing of his book. “I come from a classic Reformed-Protestant background myself,” he said. “I was fully raised with the idea: why did Jesus die? For my sins. Period. And I still believe that. At the same time, I’ve also come to think that’s a bit limited.”
He now sees it more broadly: “When the Lord Jesus is born at Christmas, it’s because God wants to be with us. He shares our entire life. One of my favorite phrases is: He dances at the wedding at Cana and weeps at the tomb of his friend Lazarus.”
Pieter Both made an important distinction between ‘heaven’ and ’the new heaven and the new earth.’ “You could actually say that heaven is a layover, because you’re not there yet. And to put it another way—this is a play on words—in heaven you are ‘soul-y.'”
He explained, “We consist of a soul and a body. When you die, your body goes into the ground and your soul goes to God. So you are only a soul. You are ‘soul-y.'” The final destination, he believes, is the new heaven and the new earth, where we will get a new body.
Recognition in eternity
A question that occupies many people: will we recognize each other in eternity? Pieter Both thinks so. “I can’t imagine it not being that way.” He pointed out that who we are is largely determined by our relationships. “I’m not, you could say, myself without them. I’m not a person on my own.”
He has a beautiful perspective on eternity: “Every person has countless possibilities that they leave unfulfilled in life. Especially if you have a disability or if you die very young. And all those possibilities that are already within you will come to light somewhere in eternity, I think.”
Extraordinary events
A subject that fascinates Pieter Both but is often a taboo in Christian circles in the Netherlands is extraordinary events surrounding death. He regularly hears stories about birds that suddenly appear in the garden, rainbows at funerals, or butterflies that show up at special moments.
“I don’t have an answer for that. But in Christian circles in the Netherlands, that’s not allowed because the soul immediately goes to heaven. There’s a sort of taboo on it,” he observed. He consciously asks about these things as a reverend because he hears “truly the most beautiful stories” from people.
About butterflies, he noted, “The Greek word for butterfly is psyche. Our word psyche comes from there and also has to do with the metamorphosis of the butterfly.” He shared a personal experience: after his first wife passed away, butterflies regularly appeared during his sermons in her former church.
A comforting perspective
Pieter Both’s children barely knew their mother—his oldest daughter’s first memories are essentially of her mother’s funeral. For them, the perspective of a new life is particularly comforting. His current wife, Annemarie, sometimes says, “It would be nice to talk to her about you someday.” Pieter Both jokingly replies, “I’m not sure I should be there for that.”
He concludes with a powerful message, quoting the film Antonia: “This is the only dance we dance.” This line from the movie emphasizes that life is unique and that you should make the most of it. Pieter Both’s response: “I always say: this is not the only dance we dance. Because there is a whole world ahead of us on the new heaven and the new earth.”
Reflection
The study evening with Pieter Both delivered exactly what I expected: a thoughtful, personal, and at the same time theologically grounded approach to a subject many people would rather not talk about. His openness about his own fears and doubts, combined with his practical experience as a reverend, makes his story authentic and relatable.
What particularly resonates with me is his refusal to give easy answers to difficult questions, while at the same time holding on to the hope he finds in his faith. Death remains a mystery—but it is not a hopeless mystery.
As a pastor, I regularly lead funerals. The people I meet in these moments are the very ones I had in mind when I wrote this book. Of course, it’s also for anyone who finds themselves contemplating death and wants to better understand the Christian perspective on it. My hope has been to help my readers grasp what death truly is and whether they need to be afraid.
@ Wim van Putten