MARRIAGE AND LEADERSHIP
Part 1
A foundation for fathers, preachers, and elders
Timeless principles for a lasting relationship
I recently wrote an article about family life and shared something about my own marriage. At the beginning of December, we celebrated our fifty-fifth wedding anniversary, and I can only mention this with great joy and gratitude. These have been wonderful years in which God has been central, but we have also learned a great deal in our lives.
Precisely because I am involved with marriage and family, I came across a special, painful but also important article on the internet. It was about marriage, and in particular that of spiritual leaders. The article mentioned that a prominent American preacher has now divorced for the second time. These are extremely sad situations, not only personally – because it is always a tragedy when people can no longer find common ground and decide to go their separate ways – but it often also has major consequences for the children. And not least for the church to which they are connected.
The wounds of divorce
Divorce always causes a lot of pain. Nevertheless, a pastor, elder, evangelist, or any other leader, as the father of a family, has an exemplary role to play. Many people will quickly think, “If he is getting divorced, then we might as well, because we are not having an easy time either.” From a biblical perspective, leaders have a crucial exemplary role to play. It is therefore worrying that the number of divorces among Christians, but also among church leaders, has increased alarmingly in recent years.
This is sad, because the gospel, the message of the Bible, offers tools to tackle marital problems: to listen to each other, to seek each other out, and not to become estranged from each other. It is remarkable that so many books about marriage and married life are being published these days. Entire seminars and study days are offered, and yet this does not always lead to the right help.
Of course, there are many Christian therapists who do great work, but it has not yet led to a reduction in the number of divorces. Strangely enough, the number of divorces among Christians is actually increasing, while the number of divorces among people without faith or church membership is decreasing. Our parents did things differently. Many parents stayed together—perhaps they weren’t always happy in their relationship and situation—because there were fewer financial opportunities and because social pressure was greater than it is today. It was simply not customary to separate, and when it did happen—I remember from my childhood—it was a rare occurrence in the neighborhood that became the talk of the town.
Universal basic principles for every marriage
It is important to realize that marriage is a God-given opportunity for two people to love each other. From the gospel of the Lord, we also have the means to bridge differences where possible.
What is really important is that, whether you are a Christian or not, there are certain universal principles that apply to everyone. These are the principles that form the basis for every marriage. If we as Christians—and certainly as leaders—think that we have a solution with the gospel in hand, but we ignore these basic principles—such as respecting each other, listening to each other, accepting that the other person is different—and we approach it only “spiritually” by saying, “We pray for it a lot,” then ultimately that will not have the desired effect.
People can be as spiritual as they like, they can have a wealth of Bible knowledge or stand on big stages. But if these principles are not applied in their daily lives, their relationship will also suffer. Especially when men who preach in campaigns are separated from their families for long periods of time because they have to speak elsewhere in the country or the world. Lack of faith or commitment is therefore not always the reason for divorce. It is often the inability to apply the ordinary, universal principles for a good relationship in the relationship.
Practical principles in everyday reality
It is essential that these practical and relational principles are applied, alongside the fruit of the Spirit, which includes love, kindness, patience, faithfulness, and self-control. Of course, life is not just about principles; those basic principles must also be put into practice.
There are all kinds of things that play a role in this. For example: learning to communicate and making time for each other. My wife and I have learned to talk, listen to each other, and really take the time to do so. We should not take everything for granted. If the other person is having a hard time or is sad, you have to take the time to listen. The attention you give as a man is often healing in itself.
The principle of being open and honest is just as important. You should not lead a double life. You should not hide things from your partner. As someone recently said to me, “Yes, but I also have my own life.” That’s right, you have your own life, but that doesn’t have to be a secret life, does it? That is why honesty and openness are absolutely necessary.
The Bible also gives us beautiful advice about sexual life. Sex is given by God, and where it is given space within the framework of marriage, it is important that we actually pay attention to it. Paul is very clear about this: you must have your sex life and you must not withhold it from each other, unless—he says—by mutual consent for an agreed period of time. If that is lacking, and, for example, an evangelist or pastor is often away from home and comes into contact with other women (or vice versa), and the foundation at home is not good, including in the sexual sphere, then that will only lead to temptation and adultery. And unfortunately, we often see that happen, especially in church circles, when the marriage is no longer what it should be.
Emotional attunement and faithfulness
What is certainly important in a man-woman relationship is that you also understand each other emotionally. That you have insight into the emotions and feelings of the other person. A single word, an unpleasant remark, or even a glance can hurt the other person, which can create a mental and, above all, emotional distance. You have to be alert to this. Make sure you keep a close eye on your partner’s emotions – and vice versa – so that you know when something might be wrong. You should not ignore it or pretend it is not there, but rather pay attention to it. And do not leave or go to sleep without talking about it.
Furthermore, being faithful is vital to a relationship. The other person must be one hundred percent sure that when my husband goes abroad on business, or when a preacher has to preach in another city and stays in a hotel, he or she will not cross the line. People must be able to trust each other within a marriage. Husband and wife must be one hundred percent certain: he or she is trustworthy. I would stake my life on that.
@ Wim van Putten