Argument with a friend
Friendship that can take a beating
When I received that text message
I have a good friend, one of my best friends in fact. I visit him regularly. We spend whole afternoons talking: we share our opinions, get things off our chests, and yes, sometimes we rub each other up the wrong way. But that’s the beauty of a true friendship; there’s room for that.
A while ago, I posted an article on Facebook and on my website about a subject on which we have very different opinions. He is more resolute, more black and white, while I prefer to look for nuance. At one point, he read that article, and then a piece by someone else with virtually the same message. It irritated him so much that he couldn’t resist sending me a rather sharp, almost bitter message.
When I received that message, I thought: Dear friend, if this is how we are going to interact with each other, then I’ve had enough. After that, there was silence. Weeks turned into months. That silence bothered me, because this is a friendship that is dear to me. And then, completely out of the blue, I received a message from him. A photo with the text: “Welcome.” Shortly followed by: “Oh shit, not you again,” with a wink.
Cool and cautious
I decided to let it rest for a while and not respond immediately. But not much later, he suddenly showed up at our door with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. My wife and I had been married for fifty-five years, and he didn’t want that to go unnoticed. We talked for a while, but the contact was still a bit cool and cautious. It wasn’t like it used to be.
Still, it broke the ice. A new appointment followed to really talk things through. He took the initiative himself and asked, “What exactly was bothering you?” I was honest with him: “I found the message you sent me to be completely unacceptable. That’s not how we treat each other, is it? In a friendship, you should respect each other’s opinions; there must be room for different points of view. I felt really hurt by your reaction.“
Count to ten
The beauty of our friendship was evident in what he did next. He dared to acknowledge that respect is more important than being right. He asked, ”Will you forgive me for being so quick to judge? I should have counted to ten before sending that message.” Of course, you forgive him wholeheartedly.
I also had to take a look at myself. I said to him, “I’m sorry I kept you waiting so long.” Because that’s not really part of friendship either; I should have picked up the phone sooner to resolve it. So we both had something to share and realized we should have handled it differently.
After a glass of wine, we caught up in the old-fashioned way. We talked about soccer, and he enthusiastically told me about the new church community where he has found his place and where he is once again finding real inspiration for his faith. At the end of the afternoon, he said, “Let’s pray together for a moment.” That’s typical of him: he doesn’t let things slide. He thanked God that we were together again and that we could celebrate our friendship. He prayed that our bond would only grow deeper.
I am grateful that I can write this; it reminds me that valuable relationships can withstand painful moments and that, with a little goodwill, you can always build bridges again.
Friendship is an illusion
Sometimes a friendship goes wrong. A painful misunderstanding, a heated discussion… and the connection is gone. A few years ago, during the coronavirus pandemic, friendships came under considerable pressure. Topics such as face masks, vaccinations, or whether or not church services should continue were suddenly no longer neutral topics of conversation. They became breaking points. Discussions flared up in many WhatsApp groups, and many friendships found themselves in rough waters.
Henk Westbroek of the pop group “Het Goede Doel” once aptly expressed that feeling: “In my eyes, there could be no better friendship, until he moved to another city.” His conclusion was quite cynical: “Friendship is an illusion, friendship is a dream, a package of scrap metal with a thin layer of chrome.” That sounds bitter, and let’s be honest: sometimes it feels exactly like that.
What really makes friendship?
Fortunately, it can also be different. Toon Hermans hit the nail on the head: “You need someone—quiet and sincere—who, when it comes down to it, prays and fights for you. Only when you have someone who laughs and grins with you can you say, ‘I have a friend.’”
But what is that secret sauce? True friends give you energy. There is a foundation of honesty and blind trust. With a good friend, you don’t have to pretend to be more than you are; you can just be yourself, with all your flaws. A friend has a positive, formative influence on your life.
Think about it: who has really made a difference in your life? And I don’t mean in an abstract or theoretical way, but simply a flesh-and-blood person who has pushed your path in a different direction.
The depth of friendship
In John 11 there is a beautiful sentence: “Lord, your friend is sick.” It was about Lazarus. What touches me about this is that it came from both sides: Jesus was a friend of Lazarus, but Lazarus was just as much a friend of Jesus. As the English say: “It takes two to tango.” Friendship is not a one-way street; it requires commitment from both sides.
What is striking in this story is that it is not the illness that plays the leading role, but the relationship. The Bible says: “This illness will not end in death, but in the glory of God.” Whether it’s beautiful moments like a birth or difficult times like illness, is the glory of God our top priority? Even in our friendships? The bond between Lazarus and Jesus brought about a total transformation: from death to life. Literally. But actually, every true friendship brings about change.
Let’s build friendships that mean something. Relationships that are strong enough to withstand conflict and sincere enough to say the words “will you forgive me?” Because true friendship is not an illusion and certainly not a thin layer of chrome. It is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give each other.
@ Wim van Putten