Feeling unsafe in my church
Even in church.
It’s a common story in the news: a famous singer, a respected conductor, a beloved preacher – someone in a position of authority is accused of inappropriate behavior. Sadly, you hear these kinds of stories everywhere, even in church.
As someone who’s been connected to the church since childhood, I’ve seen and heard a lot. I’ve listened to stories, and sometimes, I’ve even experienced such situations myself. My first encounter with unhealthy, controlling leadership happened shortly after I became a believer. It was in a lovely, medium-sized Pentecostal church. It was a “warm,” but also somewhat closed community where we were initially welcomed wholeheartedly.
However, after a while, it became clear to me that the pastor made almost all the decisions. He took actions, appointed people, and even removed members from their duties without consulting anyone. After all, he was the apostle and had the final say. This led to people getting hurt, and eventually, we had no choice but to leave. A whole group of us started a new church, a step we felt was a liberation. This experience taught me that healthy leadership in a church helps believers mature, while unhealthy leadership does the opposite: it creates dependence. After this, we moved and found a new spiritual home in our current town.
Emma’s story
Recently, I spoke with Emma, an old friend. For years, she was part of a church, and what she told me deeply affected me. “I thought I had found a place where I could be myself,” she said, “but in the end, I felt unsafe there.” Unfortunately, Emma’s story isn’t an exception. Churches are meant to be places of love and acceptance, but too often, the exact opposite happens. How can this be?
Imagine this: you’re in church and have a question about the sermon. Something doesn’t quite feel right, or you don’t understand a certain point. In a healthy church, you could go up to the pastor afterward to discuss it. But what if you notice that such questions aren’t appreciated? What if things are sugar-coated? “Every time I asked something, I felt like I was seen as less spiritual or rebellious,” Emma told me. “My questions were dismissed as criticism, even though I just wanted to understand something or had a question about a particular situation.” In such churches, a culture slowly develops where openness is discouraged. Difficult topics, like money, internal conflicts, or incomprehensible decisions, are avoided. The result? People stay silent and feel alone with their thoughts.
The most painful: spiritual abuse
Perhaps the most painful thing is what we call spiritual abuse. This happens when faith is misused to control and manipulate people. Think of statements like: “If you truly believe, you’ll give more money to the church,” or “God doesn’t want you to hang out with those friends or family; they’re a bad influence on you.” The church then becomes the most important thing, more important than your spouse or family. After all, didn’t the Lord say, “Whoever loves father or mother more than me…”? There’s also often isolation from other churches; these churches stand on their own and consider themselves as a community to be better, more spiritual, than other churches or believers.
Emma recognizes this all too well: “I was pressured to give up my studies because the Lord is coming soon anyway, so you could use your time better now.” I experienced this myself when I wanted to go to college: “Don’t do it, the Lord is coming soon,” I was told in 1972. Luckily, I didn’t listen to that advice.
Manipulation and lack of openness
Such manipulation is very treacherous because it’s presented as religious truth and sometimes even spoken by very kind, friendly people. Victims think: I’ll just do it, because the brother knows better; he hears things from God, he is a prophet or apostle.
The biggest problems in some churches are the lack of openness and transparency. Where does all that offering money go? Why are important decisions made without involving the congregation? And what happens when someone reports unwanted behavior? How often has this already been reported in the media? Recently, I saw a TV report about a woman who had been abused by her father. He held a high position in the church and in politics; he was believed, while she was left with her trauma and grief. How terrible is that?
Too often, complaints are handled internally: the church council conducted the investigation, the board made the decision, without any real external oversight. Perpetrators sometimes, as with abuse cases in the Roman Catholic Church, simply get a different position and are transferred to another parish, without anyone there being aware of what had happened. Victims are pressured to “forgive and forget,” while their pain isn’t acknowledged.
It can be different: a safe community
But it can be different. Fortunately, there are also church communities that do offer a safe place. What do they look like? In a healthy church community, you can ask anything without fear of judgment. Leaders admit that they don’t know everything either and can make mistakes; they acknowledge this when it happens. There’s no distance between leaders and “church members.” After all, in the eyes of the Lord, we are all equal; some simply have a special task – but then also with a greater responsibility.
This creates an atmosphere where real growth is possible; you can develop your talents without the leaders feeling threatened. Where real relationships can develop, between young and old, men and women – a church for everyone. Everyone counts, regardless of gender, age, background, or life situation. Women can lead just as well as men, divorced people aren’t treated differently or ignored. The focus is on your own relationship with your faith, not on blindly following a leader or the all-determining doctrine in the church. You’re encouraged to read the Bible yourself and draw your own conclusions.
Emma has since found another church where she feels at home. “The difference is huge,” she says. “Here I can be myself, with all my questions and doubts. That actually strengthens my faith.” Her story shows how important it is that we acknowledge this problem. Churches aren’t automatically safe places, but that also applies to all other places where people interact: in schools, workplaces, or sports clubs. And if you notice that your church doesn’t feel safe, you have the right to speak up or sometimes even draw your own conclusions. You have the right to a place where you are respected and where you can grow. Because ultimately, faith should liberate and connect, not bind. It should give hope, not fear. A true community should make you stronger, not keep you dependent. That’s how Jesus intended it; with Him, it’s safe, and it should be with His followers too.
(Emma’s name has been changed for this article.}
@wimvanputten