Family Life
Part 2
Part 1 discussed the importance of intimacy in the family, which was instituted by God for deep connection. True intimacy, derived from intimus (“inner”), requires open communication and courageously sharing your inner life. This extends across five crucial areas: emotional, physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual. The greatest threat to marriage is selfishness, whereby one unconsciously seeks one's own happiness at the expense of one's partner. A healthy marriage is based on serving, not demanding. The relationship between husband and wife is the foundation and must be given priority, as it is the basis for the security of the children.Parents must invest extra time and energy in guiding their children against the pressures of society. Unconditional love means seeking the best for the other person, fulfilling each other's needs, and seeing communication and fidelity as the highest good.
Love is a lubricant
Parents must actively guide their children together. The biblical concepts of nouthesia (teaching, bringing to mind) and paideia (educating, training, and also chastising for protection) both point to action. Children do not grow up on their own, and shaping their character requires effort. This means talking within the family, but in a dialogue so that you know what is going on in the child’s mind. Listen to them, help them express their feelings, and be physically present when they come home. Children need clarity and want to understand why something has to be done; “because I say so” is not enough. Love is the lubricant here. Show them you love them with positive words, time, attention, gifts, and especially physical touch and hugs, even as they get older. When a child feels appreciated, they are open to learning. Because every child is different, it is important to give them individual attention, for example by taking them out for a day trip separately.
Parenting changes as children get older. Puberty brings distance, independent opinions, and conflicts. This can make parents feel insecure, but conflicts are normal in a healthy family; it would be suspicious if they weren’t there. In their uncertainty, children seek boundaries and clarity. It is crucial to keep talking and, above all, listening, to prevent communication from degenerating into name-calling. There is no one perfect method, but parents must be on the same page to prevent manipulation. As Deuteronomy 6:7 teaches us, we must impress God’s words upon our children at all times: at home, on the road, when they get up and when they go to sleep. Children are curious, and these moments are God-given opportunities to pass on values. Make time for this, for example during meals—and leave the TV off or put your iPhone away.
Shortcomings
The strongest way to pass on your values is by your own example. If our behavior does not match our words, children will see right through it. Do not hesitate to pass on your standards based on God’s word, because they offer peace and purpose, but do so with wisdom and love. Leadership without love becomes dictatorial, but love without leadership is weak. Teach children to talk about their emotions and inner feelings, so that they can do the same in their own relationships later on. Encourage them to ask questions and don’t be afraid to admit your own shortcomings. Say sorry when you’re wrong; that builds bridges. Love them unconditionally, regardless of their performance or behavior. In addition, children must learn to serve and take responsibility by doing chores around the house, such as vacuuming or mowing the lawn. This is rewarding, especially when you show your appreciation for it.
Correction is part of parenting, but it should never stem from uncontrolled anger or personal frustration. That is destructive. Anger can be functional, but love must remain central. Scolding, humiliating, and belittling are counterproductive and cause a child to shut down. Children do not have to be perfect and are allowed to make mistakes, just as our heavenly Father gives us new opportunities time and again. Sometimes the situation is difficult, for example due to divorce or a difficult marriage, and parenting seems to have no effect. Stay positive, give compliments, avoid threats, and keep praying and fighting in faith. Teaching a child obedience is not a dirty word, but don’t engage in a power struggle. Rules are only truly accepted when a child knows they are loved and feels that their parents have their best interests at heart. Otherwise, rebelliousness will arise and surface later on.
Leadership
If agreements are not kept, a reasonable, consistent punishment is in order. Involve older children in setting rules. When you punish, you are not hurting the child; they are hurting themselves by breaking the rules.
Finally, the role of the father is invaluable. Male leadership gives a child a foundation, and the absence of a father—physically or emotionally—leaves a deep “father hunger” that can cause many problems. Many children grow up in single-parent families or with fathers who are at home but unavailable or helpless in their upbringing. A child’s self-image depends heavily on how the father treats him. Fathers have a divine responsibility, and although mothers often do well by nature, men must take their place. In the kingdom of God, family life is a wonderful thing. Apart from a relationship with the Lord, there is no greater happiness than a healthy family. The gospel gives us all the tools we need to work on that. Those who seek the best for others will be richly blessed by their loved ones and by the Lord.
It’s quite something, everything you’ve read here. I myself have always strived to treat my children and my wife in this way. It will come as no surprise to anyone that I have not always succeeded. Life doesn’t always go the way we want it to, and we have to accept that. But if we continue to put love first and take responsibility for our partner and children, you will see that it ultimately leads to blessings.
@ Wim van Putten