Family life
Part 1
A gift from God
This article dates back to the time when I devoted a series of evenings in the church to family life. My wife and I went through that process of raising children ourselves, with all its ups and downs. Our three children have now left home and are standing on their own two feet.
What follows is a concise summary of what we taught back then. Looking back now, it does us a world of good to see that all the love and energy we put into it has actually borne fruit. It is special to see that our children now have wonderful families of their own and that they are building on the same foundations we gave them in the past.
Intimacy
“But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!” These familiar words from Joshua 24:15 form the heartbeat of a Christian family. For a family is not a random coincidence; it is a conscious institution of God. At creation, He brought people together, not to live alongside each other, but to be connected in deep intimacy with each other and with Him. But what does the word “intimacy” actually mean? It comes from the Latin intimus, which means “inner.” True intimacy only arises when two people have the courage to open up their inner world of experience to each other. This does not happen automatically; it requires communication. After all, no one can read minds, even though we sometimes think in a relationship, for convenience’s sake, “She understands what I mean, right?”
Intimacy is a multifaceted concept that extends across various areas of our lives. First, there is emotional intimacy, where you dare to share your feelings and allow the other person into your heart. It is valuable to learn to talk about fear, joy, difficulty, or tension, because emotions are not enemies that we must repress, but are part of normal life. Sharing the highs and lows together is hugely satisfying. Then there is physical intimacy, which encompasses much more than is often thought. Men and women often differ in this respect: while men tend to focus more on the physical, women are mainly looking for a feeling of being loved, secure, and admired. Sexuality only truly becomes an act of love when it is embedded in that true intimacy.
Then there is intellectual intimacy: sharing what happened that day, asking about work or school, and thinking about things together. Social intimacy is also part of it, which means doing things together such as shopping, playing sports, or going for a walk. Such joint activities often remain in the memory for a long time, although the pressures of work and family mean that you have to make a conscious effort to do them. Finally, there is spiritual intimacy, which is unfortunately often the most unexplored area. In some circles, faith is still too often seen as something strictly personal, leaving an essential part of life outside the relationship. Praying together, reading, or praying in silence while holding each other, and talking about what you experience with the Lord, deepens the bond enormously. Intimacy is opening yourself up in all these ways without fear that your vulnerability will be used against you. It is a growth process that begins during courtship and continues into marriage, in which we must fill each other’s “love tank” by being attentive to the needs of the other.
Selfishness
When infatuation grows into the certainty that you are meant for each other, love gives you the courage to commit to each other for life and start a family together. As Proverbs 17:6 says, “The crown of the aged are their children’s children, and the glory of children are their parents.” However, everyone has different expectations and interpretations of marriage. The danger is that we seek our own happiness, which does not always mean the happiness of the other person. Selfishness is therefore a great enemy of married life. We must learn to recognize this and fight against it, which can sometimes be difficult. It is about doing things without being asked, thinking positively about each other, and consciously seeking what the other person needs. Those who allow themselves to be shaped by the Lord in this way build a marriage that is not based on demands, but on service and cooperation instead of competition. In a healthy family, the relationship between husband and wife is the most important; children should not come between them, because a strong marriage offers them the most security.
Family life is under pressure today. In the past, norms and values were clearer and society was more orderly, but now society influences our children through TV, the internet, and friends with conflicting messages. This makes parental guidance more important and more difficult than ever; we cannot relinquish our responsibility and will have to invest time and energy. In addition, the “evil one” tries to undermine the family by creating divisions, sowing misunderstanding, and encouraging egocentrism. Jesus gave us the perfect counterexample in Mark 10:45: “I did not come to be served, but to serve.” We must seek freedom for one another and avoid manipulation, because coercion only creates anger and bitterness. If walls have been built up through disappointment, we can only break them down by admitting our own failures and asking for forgiveness.
Communication
Communication faces many obstacles, such as not showing feelings, fear of judgment, or suppressing emotions. This creates tension, and if we don’t talk because it’s “too threatening” or to “spare” our partner, we live past each other. That may seem caring, but it is actually resistance that prevents anything from ever changing. If you do not share your inner feelings, the other person cannot support you. Investing time in openness is crucial for the relationship and the atmosphere at home.
The relationship between husband and wife is a reflection of the relationship between God and people, an intimacy in which there is no room for third parties. This requires a promise of unbreakable fidelity and devotion. A number of spiritual principles apply here. First, the woman is an equal partner, unique and complementary. There is no domination; she is not a child who needs to be overprotected, but a person with her own responsibility and growth. Second, we must learn to communicate and know the spiritual world so that arguments do not escalate. Next, the relationship between husband and wife is the number one priority. Unconditional love means seeking the best for the other person and responding sensitively to needs such as attention or comfort. Threats such as a mother-in-law who won’t let go or an overly close relationship with parents must be addressed: “leaving father and mother” is the biblical command. We must also learn to know each other’s needs. For women, these are often love, tenderness, and the feeling of being loved; for men, this sometimes means enduring hardships and fighting for their family. He is called to be a spiritual leader, not only in the church but also at home, although in practice it is often the women who take the lead in this.
@ Wim van Putten