MARRIAGE AND LEADERSHIP
Part 2
In part 1, we discussed the timeless principles for a lasting relationship, partly in response to my own 55-year marriage and the worrying fact that the number of divorces, even among spiritual leaders, is increasing. This is painful and at odds with the guidance offered by the gospel. Leaders serve as crucial role models, and their divorce is often used by others as an excuse. It is remarkable that many books and seminars do not seem to be turning the tide. The text emphasizes that, in addition to faith and Bible knowledge, universal basic principles are essential for every marriage, such as respect, listening, and acceptance. If these practical, human principles are ignored and relationships are approached solely from a “spiritual” perspective, they will fail. Important practical principles include communicating openly and honestly, making time for each other, and paying attention to the sexual life within the marriage, which can prevent temptation and adultery. Failure to follow these daily principles, not necessarily a lack of commitment, is often the cause of relationship problems.
A foundation for fathers, preachers, and elders
Mutual respect
Within a marriage, it is therefore also important that you have mutual understanding and listen to each other. The other person sometimes experiences things differently than you do. Your truth is not always the truth, and your truth is not always decisive, not even in the choices you make for a marriage. It is therefore important that we know that mutual understanding and respect are important pillars that bring a marriage into being and keep it going.
And of course, there is financial responsibility. Those who neglect their family by selfishly demanding money for themselves and who consider it important to finance their “own life” outside the family will inevitably create major problems. It is therefore also important that there is transparency and clarity in financial matters. There must be trust that you will not selfishly go your own way and make your own decisions without consulting your partner.
The challenge for leaders
All in all, as a spouse, you have a great responsibility. Failure to adhere to these principles causes serious shortcomings, resulting in pressure on the marriage.
Spiritual leaders, pastors, and elders, but also every father in a Christian family, face these challenges. These challenges must be kept in mind. Because if, as a leader or father, you do not spend time with your children and your wife, there is a very good chance that love will eventually cool, that you will no longer understand each other, and that you will grow apart. This is certainly the case when preachers, elders, or pastoral workers spend a lot of time with everyone except their own families. This often leads to major problems within the marriage and family.
I know from many years of close involvement in Christian life that children of pastors sometimes do not come to faith because their father did not really spend time with them. I remember the story of an elder’s son who was talking to the pastor because of serious problems. And then the boy said, “I have one more question, besides everything else that is going on in my life. Could my father be home more often?” A former friend of mine, who unfortunately died very unexpectedly, divorced his wife a few years ago. When he went into therapy to come to terms with the divorce, his therapist told him, “What was your mistake? Simple. You were married to your church, not to your wife.”
That is, of course, extremely painful when fathers and mothers spend all their time on others, but ultimately neglect their own children. That is why you sometimes see children of well-known evangelists or pastors renouncing their faith and losing it because they do not have a warm relationship and bond with their father. It is therefore important to realize that, in addition to a good upbringing and love, presence within the marriage and family is also of great importance for the children and certainly for the spouse, who otherwise often has to cope alone.
Character is more important than gifts
It is also important that a person’s ministry is consistent with their character. Ultimately, we must remember that the example someone sets in their sermon must also be reflected in their own life.
The point is this: whether you are a spiritual leader or just a father in your family, your words must be true and visible in your daily actions. In other words, you must live what you preach. I constantly hold up a mirror to myself—and sometimes to others—with this question: when you are no longer here, what will be the lasting memory? What ultimately matters: the things you have said, or the person you have been? We must therefore also reflect on what remains. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13 that when all else is gone—when tongues are no longer heard and prophecies are no longer spoken—what remains is love.
Bearing fruit
That is why it does not matter what title you have in a church, what influence or status you have in society. There are people with extraordinary talents and an enormous anointing. When they speak, people experience the Holy Spirit, so to speak. But that is not enough as a basis for a healthy family life.
It is therefore essential that our lives bear fruit and show the fruit of Christ. That the behavior we have toward each other as husband and wife, and also in our family, is ultimately something in which Christ is recognizable. Love, discipline, honesty, care, respect for everyone: these are values that should be recognizable in our lives. And the Bible calls this the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. A beautiful fruit that, when it comes to the fore in your life, ensures that you will ultimately be a blessing within your family and certainly beyond.
Holding up a mirror
That is why it is so important to hold up a mirror to yourself. You can do this on your own: by reflecting on your life, by thinking about your attitude and the words you speak in prayer and during your quiet time. The way you treat your partner, the way you live your life towards your children.
Sometimes it is even necessary to have an external coach or confidant, someone outside the family and the marriage, who holds up a mirror to you. Someone who is, as it were, a buddy to you, who listens to you, but who also gives you feedback. Who holds up the mirror and says, “Hey, the way you’re handling this now, that’s not good, is it? That’s not working in your life, is it?” There are many ways to ultimately refine your character.
First and foremost, through your relationship with God, through your quiet time, by living in the light and saying, “Lord, is there anything in my life where I can still grow? Is there anything else in which I need to meet the other person halfway and even confess, ‘Honey, I have fallen short, will you forgive me?’” In addition, it is important that we are honest with our partner, ourselves, and above all with God. That you live according to the responsibilities you have been given.
@ Wim van Putten