It was a bit cold in my heart
Maybe I was quiet. And you thought, “What’s he thinking?” And maybe I wanted something different. I was gone for a moment, I wasn’t really there. Because you know, my dearest, it was a bit cold in my heart. (Frank Boeijen 1991)
It was a bit cold in my heart
Because you know, my dearest, it was a bit cold in my heart. It was a bit cold in my heart. Yes, that sentence… it just popped into my head this morning. You wake up, and suddenly there’s that bit of a lyric.
This time, it’s a song by Frank Boeijen: “Koud in mijn hart” (Cold in my heart). A few words that sometimes make you pause, a line that sticks with you. It connects to something in your own life, your memories.
Frank Boeijen’s voice is unique. A bit hoarse, very distinct, you recognize it instantly. And his lyrics… they often relate to intense, sometimes very tragic events. Think of “Zwart-Wit” (Black-White), about the terrible murder of 15-year-old Kerwin Duinmeijer in 1983. Or that song about the woman in Kronenburgpark, a place known for prostitution and as a meeting point for heroin addicts. I’ve owned this CD for many decades, and I think it’s one of the best in Dutch pop music.
Everything looked black, while It should be white
The song “Koud in mijn hart” is about inner struggles. It’s about a relationship where one person is confused for a while. Doubting. Not knowing what to do. Their heart is confused and restless. “Everything looked black, while it should have been white.” Exactly. You think you’re making a choice, but then it turns out differently. That longing for freedom, that confusion… “I didn’t know for a moment,” so perfectly sung.
And then I think of us, my wife and I. I’m blessed with an incredibly sweet wife. We are so close, so comfortable with each other… The idea of losing her is something I really don’t want to think about. Luckily, I don’t have that fear, but unfortunately, I’ve seen enough marriages end around us. Especially at my age… friends, acquaintances, loved ones passing away. That’s the sad reality. That heartbreak.
The spark never died out
We found each other as teenagers, that spark… and thank God, that fire never died out. Now, sixty years later, I still feel that same deep love and affection. It’s something I’m grateful for every day. But perfect doesn’t exist. Even in our relationship, there are moments of friction. When you don’t understand each other, when something goes wrong. To be honest, it’s often my fault. And yes, then a “cold moment” happens. A moment where everything seems black, even though it’s really white, but there was a rub. You’re angry, you feel misunderstood… and then that urge to just get away. Just as Frank Boeijen sings: “I was gone for a moment, I wasn’t really there.”
Because we entrusted our lives, our marriage, to God so young, He has always been there. Our Lord was there in the good times, like the birth of our children. Praying together on the edge of the bed before we drove to the hospital. But He was also there when things were rough, when we argued. Luckily, our marriage was never truly in danger, but we did have those moments when it was “a bit cold in my heart.” What a blessing that love is stronger than anger. That God’s love brings loved ones back together when they’ve lost each other for a moment. Then it’s the Holy Spirit who teaches you to be humble. Who helps you get over your pride, your selfishness, your annoyance and says: “Now you’re going to make it right.” “Now you’re going to talk about it, don’t hide in your hurt self. Come out.”
For anyone who’s worried: what I’m writing has nothing to do with the present. But if you look back and are honest… yes, those moments certainly happened. That’s how you learn your lessons in life. One of the most important? Don’t blame each other, no accusations. That creates so much space, prevents so much pain and sadness.
First, count to ten
I want to stay away from blaming and accusing. The saying about the speck and the plank… yes, that also applies in a marriage. The little things you find fault with in someone else are nothing compared to your own weaknesses. Not a “plank,” no, but sometimes a big piece of wood… “First, count to ten,” my mother used to say. And that’s not just for home. Reread your emails, your Facebook comments, your messages before you send them. Before you know it, the damage is bigger than that “little thing” you felt you had to react to. That’s not how you get closer to each other.
That’s why I’d love to add to 1 Corinthians 13: “love blames no one.” But you can’t add anything to the Bible. So let’s stick to what it does say about love, which is challenging enough: “It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Cor. 13:5 NIV).
That’s a great task, isn’t it? So yes, everyone, and I definitely, can get to work on that.
@wimvanputten