Pastor Jerry calls the shots….
A Story of Manipulation
Confusion and lies
There sat Gerdien, in that little coffee shop on the edge of town. Her hands trembled slightly as she held her cup. Across from her sat Kelly, her best friend, whose worried gaze spoke volumes. It had been three months now since Gerdien had joined an extreme evangelical community.
“You’ve changed,” Kelly whispered softly. “You talk differently, look at the world differently. And when was the last time you called your family?” Gerdien’s first instinct was to immediately get defensive. Pastor Jerry had, after all, taught her that the outside world was full of confusion and lies, and that only within their church could the truth be found. But something in Kelly’s genuine concern made her hesitate. For the first time in months, she asked herself: why wasn’t she allowed to contact her old friends anymore?
The whole truth?
The doubt that began to gnaw at her was small, but persistent. Gerdien remembered how Pastor Jerry always spoke of “the whole truth,” but then why were questions never allowed? Why were all sources outside the community dismissed as “the work of evil forces?”
Kelly slid an article across the table. “I found this about manipulative religious groups. Do you want to read it?” Gerdien’s hand hovered over the paper for a moment. According to Pastor Jerry’s teachings, reading it could endanger her soul. But if the truth was really as strong as he claimed, why should she be afraid of other ideas? With a deep sigh, she picked up the article. For the first time in months, she began to use her own sharp mind again. The search for real truth—not the ’truth’ that had been forced upon her—could begin.
Hidden manipulation
If there’s one thing we really don’t want, it’s to be led astray or even manipulated. That’s a field you’d rather steer clear of, but unfortunately, it sometimes happens. And not just far away, or to someone else; sometimes also close to home: at your job, in your family, or even in church. It’s incredibly damaging, of course, when reality is twisted, when half-truths are spread, or when control is exerted over your life. Sometimes you don’t even realize it yourself, and someone else has to point it out. Other times, you figure it out yourself and feel uncomfortable, guilty. You blame yourself, doubt your own thinking, and think you’re in the wrong.
There are, of course, well-known examples of ex-cult members who talk about how they were psychologically shattered in their deeply manipulative environment. The place no longer felt safe, and they almost automatically distrusted others they interacted with, for fear that what they said would be relayed. So sometimes you just need someone else to rescue you from such a manipulative trap. Or at least to open your eyes. This can happen in all sorts of areas; not just in closed cults, but sometimes even in your own family or at work.
Gaslighting
This process is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the leader makes you doubt your own reality, perception, and memory. They deny events that have occurred, twist facts, and accuse you of being “crazy,” “overly sensitive,” or “remembering everything wrong.”
It can start within a family. You clearly remember the agreement or promise your father or partner made with you, but he or she adamantly denies ever saying it. They might even get angry and say you’re making things up or that it “was just a joke.” This makes you doubt yourself and minimize your feelings. You express your feelings about a family member’s hurtful behavior or you feel threatened by your older brother, but you’re told you’re overreacting, being too sensitive. It’s denied. This happens, for example, with family incest by a kind uncle, your older brother, or even more threatening: your father.
Recently, the documentary ‘Ik was een kind’ (I Was a Child) about Anneloes’s life was shown on TV. The severe family problems were always denied, even on her deathbed. All of this led to Anneloes’s years-long struggle, including mental problems, admissions to psychiatric institutions, and months in solitary confinement. Eventually, it was determined in the Pieter Baan Centrum that she grew up in an extremely unhealthy family environment. But even within a marriage, spouses can manipulate each other: “If you really love me, then you would…” You then feel guilty, pressured. That’s simply emotional blackmail.
In the workplace
It can also happen at work, where you’re pressured by your manager. Or colleagues who constantly ’tease’ you, or disguise critical or hurtful remarks as “jokes” or banter, to undermine your self-confidence while they can defend themselves with “I didn’t mean it that way, it was just a joke.” Or consider that manager who pressures employees to work overtime without pay, with remarks like: “Real team players go the extra mile for the company” or “If you don’t have a passion for your work, you don’t need to be here.” Perhaps you’ve noticed someone presenting your ideas or achievements, or those of your colleague, as their own to higher management, or that person not mentioning you in successes you contributed to.
In the church
So it occurs in all areas, but how sad it is that it also happens in the church. I’ve seen and heard leaders being prophesied over to confirm their position, while completely different matters were at play behind the scenes. Or the leader who uses prophetic words to strengthen his leadership, increase his standing within the community, or make his viewpoints appear to be from the Lord. “I heard the Lord say that I…” The leader sees himself as a special channel of God, a prophet, or a man with a special anointing, whose words may not be criticized. Criticism of the leader is equated with criticism of God. Then the Bible verse from 1 Sam. 24:6 is cited, that David “would not lay a hand on the Lord’s anointed.” When a minister or pastor claims these kinds of texts for themselves, the conversation stops, you are silenced. That then has a manipulative character.
It can be different
1 John 4:1 (NIV) states: “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
While this verse specifically talks about ‘spirits’ and false prophets, the principle can be applied more broadly: be critical and examine the intentions and messages of yourself first and foremost, but also of those who lead you in a congregation. Ask yourself: Do the words match the deeds? Am I being pressured? Does what I hear align with the Word of God?
The Bible speaks of truth in love. So when you recognize manipulation, it requires you to set boundaries and be clear without harming the other person. Eph. 4:15 (NIV) says: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” This may mean that sometimes you cannot avoid confrontation. Not to accuse, but to bring things to light and to restore.
Focus on the concrete facts of the situation instead of letting yourself be carried away by emotions. And if you doubt whether you’re right, talk about it with a trusted friend, or an elder, who can help you look at the situation honestly. But above all: pray for the person, that God changes their heart and frees them from the need to control or dominate others. And do this by examining your own motives too. Seek God’s wisdom and patience in this. Don’t approach these encounters hastily and thoughtlessly, but seek God’s wisdom and speak in love, while at the same time guarding your own boundaries.
@wimvanputten